This Competition is now CLOSEDEx-Ses Herbal Incense

Ex-Ses Incense Herbal BlendYeh! that’s right, yet another Ex-ses give away. we have decided to give more of our Ex-ses stock away as we know you can’t get enough of it.

This time we are asking people to tell us just one joke to get your free sample and the first 30 funniest jokes will each recive a FREE pack of Ex-ses.

This Competition is now CLOSED 

The winners will be anounced this after noon!



Well the competition has now come to a end and it is time to anounnce the winners, so here we go!

Just in case you didn’t get that here is a list:-

-Darren Seymour
-Arthur B
-richard engler
-alix harris
-Dr. Bengele
-Jennifer Bluett
-Sarah Ringsell
-Dustin Melton

Well done to all the winners, you have all be emailed and asked for contact details but just in case you for any reason did not receive the email please forward your information to the address provided:

Better luck next time to all the people that didn’t win this time round, there are always competitions going on here, so why not have another go!


  • Locutuz

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

  • Nick

    A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”

    The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

  • HerbalSam

    A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

    “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

    “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

  • Jen

    This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, “hello, could you please tell me where I am?”
    And Paddy shouts up, “you can’t fool me, mister, you’re in that fuckin’ basket.”

  • Dr. Bengele

    Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

    As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear’s body is gone!

    He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there’s a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it’s the bear! “You just tried to kill me, didn’t you?”. Says the bear.”Uh, no. No I didn’t”. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.”Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your arms off” “Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Give me a head-job.” “What??” “On your knees” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

    Well, the hunter’s pissed-off. “Humiliated by a bear!”, he thinks to himself. “I’ll teach that bastard”. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. “I’ve got you now, bear”, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

    Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You just tried to kill me again, didn’t you?”. Says the bear. “Uh, no. No I didn’t”, lies the hunter. “Yes you did. Don’t lie, or I’ll rip your legs off” “Ok! I did.” “Alright”, says, the bear, “I’ll let you go if you do one thing for me.” “What’s that?”, inquires the hunter. “Drop your pants and bend over” “No way!” “Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off.” “Alright! I’ll do it, you bastard” So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

    “I’ll fucking get the bastard this time”, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

    Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. “You’re not here for the hunting, are you?”, says the bear.

    PS. Yeah, its quite “tl;dr” material, but it is funny, so read it..

  • Pepe

    A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes Officer?”

    “What are you doing?” the policeman asked. “What does it look like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?” The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting.”

    “And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m nineteen,” he replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen.”

  • Rory

    What do a blonde and KFC have in common? After you’re done with the breast and the thigh, all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into!

  • Dennis

    I got 3 for yaa….

    Q. What is the difference between a politician and a stoner?

    A. A politician doesn’t inhale….they just suck.

    Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a porcupine?

    A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside

    Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?

    A. Pass him a Joint

  • BePower

    Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob

    and a cheeseburger is?

    Woman: No

    Man: Lets have lunch sometime…

  • Alex

    A pothead is walking through the desert and trips over a lamp and a genie pops out of it. The genie grants the pothead two wishes instead of the traditional three for tripping over his lamp, so anyways the pothead says “I wish for a joint that never ends.” and *POOF* in his hand is a joint. He lights it and it is quality herb and he is high within seconds but the joint just keeps regenerating itself. After a while the genie gets impatient and asks the pothead what his second wish is. The pothead says, “Damn, this thing is great. I want another one.”

  • Marius

    A young man and woman on LSD started to have sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said:
    “I can’t see what I’m doing. I wish I had a flashlight, or nightvision.”
    The woman said:
    “Yeah, so do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.”

  • blkmmba

    what did the man say after his wife jumped on him and told him to “make her feel like a woman again”?

    here bitch, iron this.

  • Hamish Shearer

    A member of the irish secret service was given a mission to blow up a car but only managed to burn his lips on the exhaust.

    I used to think an itchy fanny was a japanese motorbike

    I have a brother with a rabbit up his arse, his name is Warren.

    its the way I tell em lol

  • ross

    jesus walks into a hotel bar , hands the inkeeper 3 nails and says can you put me up for the night ?

  • Phil

    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

    Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “They’re in three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

    “What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly!

    The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”.

  • Weed_n00n

    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

  • Christine

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

  • Sarah Ringsell

    Who makes more money a hooker or a drug dealer?
    A hooker, because she can just watch her crack and use it again.

    What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
    A drunk drives through the stop sign… a stoner waits for it to turn green.

  • andrew haigh

    what do you call it when all the men watching a strip show become aroused? a general erection

  • Rob

    Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

    He didn’t know if he was coming or going!

  • Lewis

    Whats BROWN and RHYMES with SNOOP. ………. Nope the answer isnt POOP……….. Yep thats right DR DRE

  • Lexy

    (Sorry for bad spelling or grammar in english)

    An american soldier in Afghanistan got a letter from his girlfriend:

    “Dear David.
    I am so sorry, but we can’t go on being a couple. The distance between us is to far. I also must confess that I have been cheating on you, twice. I’m really sorry.


    Ps. Please send back the photo I gave you.”

    First David felt very sad, then he collected pictures of his mates girlfriends, mothers, cousins and aunts. Together with 34 pictures of different women he sent the photo of Annie back. He also wrote a short message:

    “Dear Annie
    I’m sorry but I have forgotten who you are. Please take the picture of you and send the others back.


  • Matt Redmer

    Two rednecks walkin down a dirt road…..first guy sees a dog lickin away at his balls….turns to other redneck says “God I wish I could do that”….Second guy says “why all he’ll do is bite ya”

  • nick

    A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

    ‘I think you’re wasting your time, I’m only interested in women’ said the woman.

    ‘Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind’ said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

    ‘OK’ said the woman ‘I’ll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can’t!’

    ‘OK, barman get this lady a drink’ he said. ‘let’s see your vibrator do that?’


    A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman
    “Can I smell your c@nt?”

    “F@ck off, no you can’t smell my c@nt!” the woman yells back at him,

    “Oh” he replies, looking slightly confused, “it must be your feet then”.

  • Dym

    Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back …

    Winter’s coming and a squirrel forget to hide some supplies to go through winter. The squirrel dies. What is funny about this? THE SQUIRREL IS DEAD!

  • Dustin Melton

    A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears a car stop outside the house.
    “Shit! It’s my husband! Hide in the cupboard!” she says to her lover.
    Her son Johnny pokes his head round the door. “Mummy, what are you doing with that man?”
    “Oh crap” says the woman, “he’ll have seen everything. Hide him in the cupboard with you.”

    Inside the cupboard, Johnny begins to feel scared.
    “Gee, it’s real dark in here. I’m gonna scream!”
    “No!” whispers the lover, “I’ll give you ten quid if you don’t scream.”
    “Gee, it’s real dark in here. I’m gonna scream!”
    “No! I’ll give you fifty quid if you don’t scream.”
    Johnny accepts it and stays quiet.

    The next day Johnny is in town with his mother when he sees a bike in a shop window. He says to his mother, “Hey! Can I buy that bike? I’ve got £50 to pay for it!”

    Of course his mother is suspicious, and says “Where did you get that money? Tell me!”

    Johnny stays quiet, so his mother takes him to confession, where he can tell the priest where he got it.

    “Gee, it’s real dark in here. I’m gonna scream!” says Johnny in the booth.

    The priest grimaces. “Let’s not start THAT again.”

  • Josh Cox

    your mum is so stupid she tried to drown a fish!
    your mum is so stupid she wet her self in the toilet!
    your mum is so stupid she starved to death in co-op!

  • oliver elliott

    a guy walks into a library and orders a book on suicide
    the librarian turns around and says get lost
    thanks x

  • Ironside

    Due to worries about organised crime, police and public officials in Amsterdam are going to shut down many of the cities famous brothels and coffee shops.
    I think this is a really bad idea – it’s going to cause more unemployment, and in these tough times they may be forced to turn to desperate measures to survive…. like prostitution and selling drugs.

  • BlueberryJoJo

    Confucious Quotes

    Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
    Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
    Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
    Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
    Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
    Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
    Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.

  • Voltron

    knock knock

    Who’s there?


    Amanda who?

    Amanda to fix your stove!

    that was a horrible joke.

  • johan

    What goes “Clip clop, clip clop,clip clop, bang!, clippettyclopclippettyclopclippetty….?

    An Amish drive-by!.

  • bryston

    two sausages are laying in a fry pan, one sausage looks at the other and says, “Boy its hot in here.” the other sausage replies, “AHH TALKING SAUSAGE!!”

  • EldestLarr

    Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian…
    Ones a snack cracker and the other one is a crack snacker.

  • Darren Seymour

    Blonde girl at work one day has a phone call, then begins sobbing. Boss asks “Why are you crying”. I” have just had a phone call to say my mother has died”. “I’m sorry to hear that” says the boss, “Go home and do not be worrying about work for the next few days”. About a hour later the boss decides to phone the girl to see how she is. The girl answers the phone and is quite hysterical, crying more than before. “What’s wrong asks the boss”. The girl replies “I just had some even worse news, I have just phoned my sister and her mother has died as well”

  • 420yoker

    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice.

  • Arthur B

    A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, “How much for that TV set in the window?”
    The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?”
    And the owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again.
    He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?”
    The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!!”
    The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
    The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”

  • j

    How many Street Skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1 but it takes about 30 tries and a film crew

  • Bill

    Bob and Eric are both active members of their local church, involved in charities and various other good works, and very competitive with each other. So strong is their rivalry that they can barely stand to be in the same room as each other.

    God appears to Bob one day and says, “Bob, you’ve been such a good servant of the Lord that I have decided to grant you a wish, but because your neighbour Eric has been so incredibly good, when I grant your wish, I’ll give him twice whatever you wish for.”

    Bob thinks for a while, and says to God, “Oh, Lord, please take one of my testicles…”

  • Andrew Bevis

    A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. “Today is your lucky day!” said the pixie. “I’m gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?” The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, “I want a never-ending joint.” So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, “…And number two?” The hippie replies, “This is so cool man! Gimme another one!”

  • HerbalSam

    Once upon a time there was 2 tomatoes …
    One day the tomatoes was going out to travel and then they wanted a bong, so when they were on the way to a internet cafe to order a bong from EDIT they had to cross the road, and half ways over one of them got hit by a roller-skater and the other one got safely across and shouted come on ketchup to the other one.

    damn that sukked lol :/

  • Ashley

    2 muffins in an oven.
    1st muffins: it’s getting hot in here.
    2nd muffin: shit, a talking muffin…

    man that’s awful…

  • Ronny

    Here ya go:Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, “what?” So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

  • Marty

    Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

  • oliver

    Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers to spice up the sex life, puts them on with a very short skirt and sits on the settee opposite her husband and opens her legs…

    Husband says to her “have you got crotchless knickers on?”

    “Yes” she says

    He said “thank fuck for that, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!”

  • Here’s another one:

    There is this 70 year old man who sits out on his porch every day in his rocking chair. One day he see’s a 12 year old walk by during sunrise carrying rolls of duct tape, and the old man asks;
    “What are ya goin to do with that boy?”
    “Catch ducks sir.”
    “Well good luck, you’ll need it. You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”
    At sundown the old man is still rocking away and the boy comes walking by with the fence unraveled with rabbits everywhere, the man is austonished.

    The next morning at sunrise the boy goes walking by again with chicken wire.
    “What are ya goin to do with that boy?”
    “Catch chickens sir.”
    “Well good luck, you’ll need it. You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
    The boy comes walking back at sundown with the wire unraveled with a bunch of chickens. Once again the old man is amazed.

    The next morning at the same time the boy comes walking by.
    “What ya got there boy?”
    “Pussywillow sir.”
    “Hold on i’ll get my hat.”

  • Yea…fucked up part of the joke, you know what it’s supposed to be. Damn I can’t say a joke without messing it up, hahaha.

  • Richard Engler

    > their way to get married,
    > a young couple is involved in a fatal
    > car accident. The couple find themselves
    > sitting outside the
    > Pearly
    > Gates waiting for St. Peter to process
    > them into heaven.
    > While waiting, they begin to wonder:
    > Could they possibly get
    > married in Heaven?
    > When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
    > St. Peter says, “I don’t know. This is
    > the first time anyone has
    > asked.. Let me go find out,” and he
    > leaves.
    > The couple sat
    > and waited for an answer….for a couple of
    > months. While they
    > waited, they discussed what IF they were
    > allowed to get
    > married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married,
    > what with the eternal
    > aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t
    > work?” they wondered, “Are we
    > stuck together FOREVER?”
    > After yet another month, St. Peter
    > finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
    > “Yes,” he informs the
    > couple, “you CAN get married in
    > Heaven.”
    > “Great!” said the
    > couple, “But we were just wondering, what
    > if things don’t work out?
    > Could we also get a divorce in heaven?”
    > St. Peter, red-faced
    > with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
    > ground.
    > “What’s
    > wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
    > “OH, COME ON!!” St.
    > Peter shouts, “It took me three months to
    > find a priest up here! Do
    > you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to
    > find a lawyer?”

  • alix harris

    A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

    “Mother, where do babies come from?”

    The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

    The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

    “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

    “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”


  • Markus

    A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
    “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

    “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

    “But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

    “Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

  • Cillo

    A man walks into a library and ask the librarian for a book on suicide.

    She says, “Fuck off, you wont bring it back!”

  • andy

    What do the starship enterprise and toilet papar have in commen?
    ” Thy both circle uranus lookng for kling ons “

  • Matt Redmer

    so now that the give away is over when do we hear what the 30 best jokes get?? or do all 30 get the Ex-Ses if so when can we expect it shipped 😉

  • Here’s the best joke, and it’s 100% real aswell.

    I named my bong(Bushmaster Cyclone) Auschwitz. You may ask why did somebody who’s Jewish name it that? Well it’s because it bakes a Jew every night just like it used to!

  • Giuseppe

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

  • fisk

    Guy1: Do you like fish dicks?

    Guy2: Why shure, I love fish dicks!

    Guy1: So you mean you like puting fish dicks in your mouth and swallowing?

    Guy2: Yea, so?

    Guy1: Your a gay fish dude!

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